A Letter You'll Never Read
by FredGirl
Summary: One night, Ike sits down and writes a letter to Soren about his feelings for him and how he feels about Soren and Stephan being together. IkeXSoren, SorenXStephan, Onesided RolfXMist, BoydXMist. Lots and lots of angst and rants about unrequited love.
1. Chapter 1

**_______________________________~A Letter You'll Never Read~___________________________**

Soren,

Hopefully, you'll never read this letter. I don't even know why I'm writing it.

Today marks you and Stephan's six month anniversary. Even Rolf has noticed how much I've changed over those six months. I'm not sure I can go back to how I was. Lately, all I want to do is to be able to sit down by myself and think.

I know you and Stephan are happy together. I can see it in the light in your eyes whenever he walks into the room, and the way you smile whenever someone mentions his name. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you. Very, very happy. But… Sometimes, when you think you're alone, sitting out at the edge of camp, staring off into the distance, I can see the boy who I gave my lunch to all those years ago. The scared, sad, lonely look in your eyes comes back to haunt both of us.

It's not something that can be killed with a sword. I can't stab it; kill if with the swipe of my blade. That's all I am to you, aren't I? I'm only a stupid swordsman, thick as a plank of wood. I can't think for myself, I always need you to think for me. I remember how I got so annoyed at Skrimir when you called you "my little strategist", because that's what I always used to call you in my mind.

Up until the day you told me that you liked Stephan, anyway. I remember how you walked into the tent we were sharing, looking preoccupied and I asked you what was wrong. At first you said it was nothing, but then eventually you told me that you thought you liked Stephan. By that time, I didn't realise how much you meant to me. I didn't understand why I felt like my heart had imploded.

Ever since then, I've fallen apart. I know that everyone has been worrying about me. Mist especially knows that something is wrong, but I don't want to trouble her. I know that she would understand, but she doesn't need to worry about my problems. She's just a kid, she should be playing and having fun, not running around Tellius fighting battles that I'm not sure are even worth fighting for. I feel like I've failed as a brother to her. I love Mist, but sometimes it's hard to decide what's best for her. Often, I'm tempted to make her leave the mercenaries to keep her safe (not that she'd even agree to that), and I know Boyd and Rolf feel the same way. Rolf and I are in the same boat, actually. Both loving someone, but knowing that we can never be with that person.

I'm a murderer, Soren. I hate myself. I've killed too many people to count. Most of them were only fighting for what they believed in, or fighting because they were forced to. They had wives, children, parents, grandparents, friends… I can't even imagine what it would be like to loose you. I caused hundreds of people to live my worst nightmare.

Sleeping seems impossible now though. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. All I can think about is war, and the people I've killed, and whether the people I care about will survive our next battle. Whether _I'll_ survive my next battle.

Everyone thinks that I'm the one who protects you, but emotionally, you protect me. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're always there, helping me, comforting me. Every battle, you're by my side. Without you, the Greil Mercenaries would all die. I would die. Countless battles have been won, thanks to you. You keep me sane when I feel like being the seventeen year old commander of a band of mercenaries is too much.

I'm scared of dying. It's something that sets Stephan and me apart, yet another thing that makes me inferior to him. I'm such a coward; unable to face the fate I have made many people suffer. He is much braver than I am, as I'm sure you can see. He can protect you. I can't.

Stephan is a far superior swordsman to me too, as well as a better person. He just walked up to Lethe and offered to help us fight. He even offered to teach me. He's closer to your age as well. I guess I'm just a brainless baby beorc to Branded.

Does he tell you how beautiful you are? Does your smile mean as much to him as it does to me? Does he protect you, love you, want to make you laugh, want to make every day better than the last for you? I hope so, because that's what you deserve.

Soren, I love you. That's why I think that you're better off with him anyway. Still, I'll always be here, secretly loving you, always there to listen to your problems and trying to stop the sadness seeping back into your eyes. Secretly hoping that someday, you'll love me back.

Ike

* * *

_Later, Soren was emptying the waste-paper basket in their tent. On the top of it was a sealed envelope with his name on it that had been scrunched up. Curious as to what it was, he pulled it out of the bin and sat down at the desk that he and Ike shared. Carefully, he flattened the letter out, opened the envelope and began to read the letter. Once. Twice. Thrice. He sat there for a long time, just staring at the handwriting which was undoubtedly Ike's.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

Ike,

You have a complete lack of etiquette, but I suppose a lot of people tell you that. You simply don't put such a private letter in a waste paper basket where enemies or allies could find it and use it as blackmail! Especially if you don't want me to read it.

I am… unimpressed by the fact you feel the need to spy on me and study my facial expressions and how you want to relate everything to a petty sword fight. If you didn't focus only on your blade (which is getting quite dull from lack of polishing and sharpening) you might actually be able to think for yourself, using what little brain cells you actually have.

If it actually bothered you that Skrimir called me 'my little strategist' then you might have cared to remind him that I am not his and I am not little. Then MAYBE I might now have been smelling lion every time I turned the corner.

If you're a murderer, then that makes me one too. I have killed just as many people and I sleep fine. You obviously are trying to stress that underworked brain of yours and that is why you can't sleep. If you actually tried to sleep then you wouldn't die, just possibly. You aren't weak Ike, I know that for a fact. You are the only one who could wield Ragnell and you are the only one who could defeat the Black Knight.

About that, I'm certain.

So don't go on about how weak you are and bore everyone to death with the same old speech.

You aren't weak.

And just see how 'beautiful' I am with a Tornado tome in my hand when and if someone dares to say that.

And Ike, improve your letter writing skills,

Soren

P.S. Judging by your letter, it seems you're still the same hopeless idiot that I…

_As Soren was about to finish his reply to Ike, he heard a startling crash come from outside his tent. Frowning, the wind mage made his way outside only to find that their camp had once again, been invaded. In an effort to once again save himself from the labour of rebuilding the campsite, he came to the rest of the mercenarys' aid, fighting beside Mia and Boyd. While he was blowing dozens of helpless, and extremely weak, people away, Soren forgot all about his unfinished letter…_

FF_2122438_537880329 Mark Stephens Page 1 of 1


	3. Chapter 3

Apologies for blatant OOCness in this chapter on Ike's part. I couldn't think of a better way to make him leave the camp without the rest of the griel mercenaries, probably due to the fact that I wrote most of this at about two o'clock in the morning... Hopefully, the next part will be more in character. Sorry! I lack any real writing skills what-so-ever, I'm just doing this for fun.

**_______________________________~A Letter You'll Never Read~___________________________**

_Ike headed back to his tent after the fight to grab the few things he owned before leaving the greil mercenaries camp. He didn't know how long he was going to be gone, and he didn't want any melodramatic farewells. He spotted the letter on the desk and grabbed it as he left the tent for what he thought was the final time, pausing only to scribble a quick farewell note._

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
_

Soren,

I'm sorry for my lack of intellect. I had to leave the camp; I couldn't take it anymore. The truth is, I love you. I haven't read the letter you wrote to me yet, but nothing anyone can say will change my decision. I'm not gone for good; I'm planning to come back someday. I just need a break from being bottled up inside my mind all the time.

I find it hard to watch you and Stefan together. I know that you're both happy and I know that I should be happy, but I'm not.

Look after Mist and the others while I'm gone. If you want to contact me, send a note through Jill and Haar's new wyvern delivery service.

I don't know where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do, but I'll find something. Maybe I'll go back to court for a while… Or not. Come to think of it, being at court would be just as bad as staying.

Love, Ike.

P.S. I'm sorry.


End file.
